I’ve been asking myself that question since Saturday…
“What’s wrong with me?”
On Saturday I resigned from my position. I won’t here go in to detail as to what made it feel necessary. I didn’t actually think it would come to this. I was as surprised as anyone.
I cried on Saturday night. It was the long, ugly cry that I had been waiting for since finding out that I would not be renewed to good standing. I’ll confess that it was an alcohol-fueled cry. I thought finally crying would be cathartic. It wasn’t. All it did was bring all the layers of pain that I have been feeling to the surface. I felt rejected and abandoned. I felt worthless and replaceable. I felt a little crazy. I still do.
I don’t actually feel like I know how to be in the world right now. I don’t know what if anything I have to offer. I know I have family and friends who love me. I know have kids who need me and that keeps me from doing anything rash… but I don’t know what my place is. I don’t know if I have a place.
Why can’t I just get my shit together?
Why did I have to fuck everything up in the first place?
When do I get to stop feeling like such a failure?
I ask all of those questions rhetorically. They don’t have real answers, not ones that would satisfy me anyway. What I have right now is a deep sense of my own inadequacy. There are some who will say “that’s a good thing”. Such a person might go on to tell me how God’s strength is perfected in my weakness. Such a person can go kick rocks! I don’t believe in a God who wants me to feel what I am feeling right now.
I feel lost and I have for a solid month now. I feel completely disoriented. My whole world has been built around the church for so long. I see people having milestones in their ministries and I hate them for it. I can’t be around church talk for long before I get agitated. I want to rage at the systems and people that are making me feel this way.
But then… I come back to my original question.
See, no one is “making” me feel this way. I feel this way. Because I’m not spiritually mature enough? Because I’m not integrated enough? Whatever… it’s because I’m deficient. That has been the clear message of the last month. I am not enough.
Of course, I don’t believe that. Not fully, anyway. It’s taken so much work to differentiate myself from my professional identity, to realize that my worth is not in what I do. But that gets harder to believe when no one seems to want you to do what you do around them.
And yes, maybe that means I need to find a new thing to do. But I used to be really good at what I did. Or at least I felt like I was. People told me I was. I’ve lost that too.
Please don’t read this as wallowing. I will pick myself up. I have to. I have four little people that need me to do so. In some ways, I am stronger than I have ever been. One day these feelings will be distant images in the rearview.
Right now? Right now I’m tired. I’m angry. I’m sad…
…and I’m wondering what’s wrong with me…