The Affair Factor



Something has been bothering me. It has been for awhile, but with the volume on the election rhetoric cranked up so high, it’s really striking a nerve. I’ve been accused of over-sharing in the past and may be again here, but so be it:

I have a really hard time with people criticizing Hillary Clinton for her handling of her husband’s affair. I say this as a man who had an affair. I say this as someone who knows that unfair things were said to my ex about how she was handling things. I say it as someone who has both firsthand knowledge and a lot of guilt and shame in this area.

There are a couple of criticisms that I hear that I think are wildly unfair. The first is that she couldn’t take care of her husband. When said, this can mean a lot of things; that she didn’t satisfy him sexually, that she didn’t have a tight enough leash on him, that knowing the kind of man he is, she wasn’t more proactive. Somehow, without having any real, intimate knowledge of what was happening in their marriage, we are lead to believe that somehow what Bill did was Hillary’s fault.

See, I think this is where I am supposed to be on the side of the critics. After all, if that’s true of Hillary, that’s true of my ex as well. While I fully acknowledge that marriages require both sides be fully engaged in order to work, ultimately, people have to take responsibility for their actions. I don’t know what kind of wife Hillary is or was, but that frankly shouldn’t matter. I also don’t know what kind of husband Bill is, but that doesn’t matter either. Affairs are selfish. Always! An affair takes energy away from the hard work of repairing whatever breaches may develop in a relationship. It is the epitome of passive aggression. It never comes from a place of health. To have an affair is to make a decision against your marriage and the responsibility falls on the one who has the affair to own that.

The other thing I hear that makes it clear that Mrs. Clinton is being treated unfairly is that it was somehow wrong for her to have stuck it out with Bill. The assumption here is that she only did it for her own political aspirations. Perhaps they did have some sort of arrangement, perhaps there was some of “your turn then my turn” deal, or perhaps we’ve all seen  too many episodes of House of Cards… or perhaps she really loved him and didn’t want her marriage to end. Whatever the case, there are so many issues with criticizing her for making this choice. Many of the critics are from the same religious establishment that condemn divorce and often coerce women into staying with their abusers. What we imagine we know about the Clintons’ motives somehow tarnishes their decision to keep their union in tact. So many assumptions are being made about these people who have chosen to live their lives in public service for the last three decades that we’ve lost the ability to see them without projection.

The other side of this is the fact that Hillary is seen as an ambitious woman, which for some, is still a cardinal sin. It’s clear that from her earliest political life, she has had aspirations to high office. I can’t see anything wrong with that. And as I look at this election cycle, you can’t fault her for being overly prepared. When an incredibly qualified woman is pitted against a buffoonish, racist, misogynistic, reality TV star, both being seen as legitimate contenders for the presidency, you’d have to be blind to miss the sexism. I see nothing wrong with a motivated woman working to achieve the dream of millions of women and girls, recognizing that it would be a fight every step of the way.

I go back and forth on whether the opposition to Mrs. Clinton is rooted in a hatred for this particular woman or in a hatred of all women. In the last week, I’ve leaned more towards the latter. Donald Trump, now on wife number three, has in his own words and those of an increasing number of women that demonstrated that his behavior is not just unbecoming for the Commander-in-Chief, but in some cases, also criminal. Still, there are those who say that we must forgive. It’s funny how forgiveness is only trotted out for those who oppress in those circles. There are some who would go as far as normalizing talk of sexual assault as something that all men do behind closed doors. I promise you, it is not. That the affair(s) of Mr. Clinton, the spouse of the nominee,  have been made an issue by those who willingly ignore their actual nominee’s behavior is beyond hypocritical. It speaks to a double standard that women have faced in every arena of professional life. That women have been amongst Mrs. Clintons’ strongest critics shows how deep the oppression goes. Mrs. Clinton can’t just be beyond prepared for the position, she also has to be responsible for the behavior of the men in her life. This is simply unjust.

My divorce became official just over two years ago. There are times that I wish my ex would have stuck it out with me, but I know how toxic I had become for her. She’s a strong woman who took control of her life and did what was best for herself so that she could in turn do what was best for our kids. It hurts, but I respect that so much. The burden of changing my behavior wasn’t hers to bear and it’s unfair for me or anyone else to say otherwise. These conversations that have been happening in the media about the Clintons’ marriage have been surprisingly triggering for me. I can’t imagine how much more so they have been triggers for those who have been cheated on. I suppose that I have been able to see things in the treatment of Mrs. Clinton that I wasn’t able to see up close in my own life. Mrs. Clinton is also a strong women who forged her own path. And let’s face it, she would have been criticized regardless of the decision she made. We ask a lot of women in our country. We ask them to be mothers, wives, lovers, and professionals and we ask them to do all of this in an environment where men are rarely held accountable for actions that affect them. This is not the world that I want for my children, my son or my daughter. More and more this election, which many believed would be about choosing the lesser of two evils, is becoming a moral referendum for the kind of nation that we want to be and who gets to have voice. The voices that silence, abuse, denigrate, assault, and burden women have had their say for most of human history. While I don’t think Mrs. Clinton’s election will end sexism, much as Obama’s didn’t end racism, it will mean that a majority of us have said that we’re ready to listen to a new voice.

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Love and Gratitude! 

84 thoughts on “The Affair Factor

  1. thank you so much for saying this. as a child of an affair/divorce, i also find it insanely unfair that she is being called out for this AT ALL. while the other candidate who won’t be named has admitted to illegal sexual actions, she was the wife of someone who made bad choices that she had to deal with on multiple challenging levels and now to accuse her of anything related to that is so horrifying. on top of all the other gender stuff she has to deal with. you explained it all really well and much better than I could. I’m also sorry that you and your family went through such challenging times. i so appreciate your candid honesty about how it hurt and how you responded/are dealing with your emotional health. thank you thank you thank you for writing and sharing about such difficult stuff.

  2. I appreciate your words – well written. It irks me that Hillary is criticized for her husband’s affair(s). It also irks me that Trump hammers at her, saying crooked Hillary and she’s a liar. It’s like the pot calling the kettle black. He is also a liar and a fraud and far more crooked than Hillary. In today’s bits of his speeches, he says that all the accusers who have come forward are liars – that none of that happened. But from his tapes and other sources we know that he is lying. As a survivor of child sexual abuse and what I know now, I know that women do not come forward to tell what happened to them if it didn’t happen. What happened to me was at age 11/12 and I didn’t start talking about it until it imploded in my 40’s (I’m now 69) so I know it isn’t something that women talk about easily nor do they lie about it. There is a book that I have just finished reading that was interesting, illuminating, and horribly disgusting. It’s called The Making of Donald Trump by David Cay Johnston – a Pulitzer prize winning investigative reporter. It’s a fast read and shows just how much he’s lied, committed fraud, taken advantage of others, etc.

  3. Well said Derrick. You should have this article printed in all the major newspapers and magazines. I was trying to figure it out and put into my own words. But when I read this from a man’s point of view it made perfect sense. Thank you.

  4. Thank you for this incredibly well written AND honest article. You are a thinking and feeling man and that is a good thing!

  5. This is so perfect. I agree totally. I wonder if once she is elected we will see the evidence and consequence of systemic sexism as I believe we have seen systemic racism in America become more obvious since Obama was elected.
    Thanks again.

    1. OH TALES: AMEN AMEN AMEN…..that is exactly what will happen. people don’t often understand that systemic or institutionalized racism/sexism even exist! don’t know what it is cuz they don’t notice it or see it. they don’t recognize it cuz it isn’t pointed out from birth – it is experienced from birth as normal and therefore not identified. this is an excellent article AND love your comment.

  6. I wish my ex had the moral courage to accept the role his affair had in the destruction of our marriage. Thank you for this piece of validation.

  7. I have no issue with her sticking by her husband or for being ambitious. What I hate about her is how she tried to ruin those women’s lives after for it was her husbands fault. But she will cast stones about another’s actions or words. But more importantly I think she has done worse things as Secretary of state. She has broken the law, lost American lives and is not held accountable because of who she is. Anyone else would be rotting in prison and lost security clearance but we want to give her the ultimate power? She has just as many shady deals as trump but no one willing to investigate them. She wants to bring people in from a terrorist country that we can’t know who they are and risk more American lives. She is the typical politician who has only her self interests. Americans have lost their way and I think this will sink us further.

    1. Mrs. Clinton has been investigated and exonerated on numerous occasions. I find it hard seeing her as being on the same level as Trump

      1. I’m sorry but she has not “been exonerated” … that is a stretch and a continuation of the Clinton lies.

    2. specifically, what laws has she broken? indicted? trial?(I must have missed it on the interwebs), conviction? Links and facts , please, not your opinion. How exactly would you treat the women who thought it OK to engage in an affair with a governor of a state who happened to be your husband, who thought it OK to have an affair with a president of the US…for personal gain, while he was your husband? are you that good of a person, so perfect , that you wouldn’t act out just a little? Do you expect Hillary Clinton to not be human like the rest of us?

      What exactly do you think she has done as Secretary of State…and please don’t tell me some story from Breitbart or Fox “News”…your own info…proof , if you will. Oh? You say you have none? Then STFU, thank you very much.

      Please don’t put Donald Trump in office. If you support him, you have lost your woman card, and your human card…you are the problem.

    3. “ruin those women’s lives”? Those women chose to have affairs with Bill. Every single one of them was old enough to know better. Don’t know what delusional world you live in but it takes two to have an affair.

      And please explain how she tried to ruin their lives. By calling them “bimbo” or “loony”? You are exactly who this article was written for. You seriously don’t “get it”.

      This article isn’t about any of the other crap you are trying to bring up. You’re just playing the red herring game.

      1. Elizabeth Adams: These women did not “choose to have affairs” with Bill Clinton. They have been in public over and over again for years saying they were assaulted … raped or assaulted. These are not considered “affairs.” You can go on NYT or many other sources to see that she has indeed tried to “ruin their lives” with intimidation and ruining their reputations. It is not a red herring or delusional, these are facts. Even well-known liberal, feminist women have said HER behavior and response to Bill’s vulgar and sexual behavior is problematic. Look up Maureen Dowd, Camille Paglia, etc Have a good day.

    4. i have to agree with C. It’s not that the public should hold her accountable to Bill’s choice to have an affair, but she does need to be held accountable to her OWN choices. These include her decisions to defend Bill’s infidelity. Her position as Secretary of State has been seriously compromised to the point of illegal *and* unethical practices. This should not be ignored or taken advantage of for the position of power she held. These are not the virtues that our forefathers would have woven into the practice and representation of our Constitution and in serving the American public. This is a representation/position that should be seen as a privilege and honor to serve not as a convenience or entitlement. She has proven that through her behavior and practices. She does not have the qualities of being the next President of our great country. We deserve so much more than this as we are the strongest country globally. We should be represented correctly. This IS our truth as Americans.

  8. Life is hard, and the lessons can be brutal. Perhaps you would still be married if you had had the same understanding and insight when you were married. This is a great article, an honest and public review of one’s mistakes, and how they relate to our overall society. Thank you.

  9. Thank you for your honesty and for ‘over-sharing’. I admire HRC and Pres. Clinton for working through their issues, and I am convinced that she has reaped great strength therefrom that has been -and will continue to be- beneficial in her quest to become a world leader and POTUS. Your essay serves as one of those “well, it’s about time!” statements; I’m sorry for all the pain you experienced to help us out in this manner. Very pastoral, very humane!

  10. You nailed this and blessed me in so many ways. My ex husband had affairs with me. I fought for our marriage for 2 years and finally divorced at 3 years instead of celebrating our 25th.

    I hope your strength and courage is met with many blessings in the years to come. We need more men like you in our communities. Peace

  11. The I hear that I think is absolutely insane is that Hilary was more or less mean to the women he had affairs with. Really! Was she supposed to open her arms to them? Why doesn’t one of these news people ask this question? Why doesn’t just one of them say “well she is better than me because I would have kicked their butts”.

  12. Well said, Derrick. As you say, what is wrong with a woman being ambitious….. Plenty of men are overly ambitious and forget they have a family, but have time for a mistress. As was mentioned above, these young women made a choice to have an affair with Bill so they are just as guilty. They asked for it, not like the women that Trump practically molested.

    1. Wow … are you serious? Read up on the stories of the women who “made a choice to have an affair with Bill” … these women were raped and assaulted by him and said so AT THE TIME. Assault is not the definition of “having an affair.” I have read the stories and am astounded that you can say “they asked for it.” Wow.

  13. I agree with all written, but there is one more point that really gets me. Many lash out at Hillary for “her role” in the affair, but just as many lash out at the actual talk and actions of Bill as though they belong to Hillary. The thing that struck me when these arguments started, as a retaliation for Trumps words and actions, was that Trump can’t really get his mind around the idea that he is running against a women. Somehow he can’t toss off his deep seated disregard of women’s potential and his understand of the world came forth in these statements- he truly thinks that Bill will be running the country! He can’t conceive of a woman being president and he wants folks to remember that the guy he’s running against is as bad as he is. Ugh. I keep hoping someone will say- Bill is not running for president so what he has done or said in the past has no more relevance then Malania’s past.

  14. I don’t agree with all that is said in the article …. just because author has had a divorce doesn’t make him an expert. That said, I agree when he says we don’t know what her reasons were ( for being silent during the affair)…. and that exactly is it — she never “said” ANYTHING!!! I would find it admirable if she would’ve said “to hell with his ( Clinton’s) transgressions … my sight is on bigger goal — the presidency!! And then again , our society wouldn’t be ready for such a confession?!who knows ….
    Of course she wasn’t responsible for the affair, and I openly condemn all those narrow minded people who would even suggest that, in this day and age.
    And the other thing with election is that when you can’t explain or justify your favorite candidate’s flaws, you start pointing out the opponent’s. And that’s the theme followed by both sides. One day , we will have an election where the two candidates will be measured on their merits, capabilities and acumen and not their gender, race, and personal lives. One can dream ….

  15. Mrs. Clinton showed the whole world of young girls, impressionable girls, and young women that it was ok to let her husband disrepect her in front of our world.
    How to lay down and take one for our countries embarrassing situation.
    Did go along with at least 70% of congress that it would be wise to stay together to avoid our country looking weak.
    Intimate that men are the natural rulers of mankind.
    Her show of disrespect for herself and her daughter by not leaving.
    Her showing of her ruthless plan then, that she wanted the presidency, and did not care how she got there.
    And whom will be guiding her decisions if she wins?
    Her sleezy husband and anyone who wants a favor from a woman who did not stand up for herself because of low self esteemn.
    Or who is susceptible to blackmail and bullying by men all around her.
    I feel bad for Chelsea and her family.

    1. I don’t really understand what point you’re trying to make, L, because your sentence structure is unclear. But I do understand your first sentence–“Mrs. Clinton showed the whole world of young girls, impressionable girls, and young women that it was ok to let her husband disrespect her in front of our world.” If you disapprove of men who disrespect their wives, Trump’s behavior cannot be acceptable to you, either. But again: Bill Clinton is not running for President. The people who constantly drag him into this debate are themselves disrespecting Hillary by refusing to judge her fitness for the presidency on her merits alone.

      1. While Bill is not running for President the woman who lies and defends and destroys for him IS. That is the point. Clinton did not merely have one single affair and broke Hillary’s heart … he had indiscriminate sexual trysts, one-night stands, sexual parties, and committed sexual assault multiple times. Hillary was a part of the cover-up, the lying and the effort to intimidate and even destroy the reputations of the accusers.
        The “merits of her fitness” to be President are based on her judgments and decisions. She is complicit and that can’t be ignored.
        You are asking that she be rewarded for allowing and lying for bad behavior from the person most close to her … what will she allow others to “get away with” in her administration?

      2. If what you’re saying about her intimidating other women is true, then I totally agree with you. I’ve actually only read those allegations in conservative attack pieces. Do you have credible citations for those allegations?

      3. Below DerricklWeston asked:
        If what you’re saying about her intimidating other women is true, then I totally agree with you. I’ve actually only read those allegations in conservative attack pieces. Do you have credible citations for those allegations?
        My answer is:
        Does the NYTIMES count? Camille Paglia? Maureen Dowd?
        It’s disheartening, Derrick, that you would make claims then refuse to consider they are irrelevant because you think it is a “conservative” accusation.
        Here’s just one link … there are many.

      4. It’s good to read a balanced article on these accusations. There’s a lot here to chew on. Mrs. Clinton’s baggage has always made her an imperfect candidate. Though I definitely prefer her to the alternative, this does give me pause.

      5. Derrick, it should give us all pause that we have allowed our country to come to a point that we have these two as our choices. It’s so discouraging. But the US will survive … have a great day.

  16. ‘Affairs are selfish. Always! An affair takes energy away from the hard work of repairing whatever breaches may develop in a relationship. It is the epitome of passive aggression. It never comes from a place of health. To have an affair is to make a decision against your marriage and the responsibility falls on the one who has the affair to own that.’

    This so resonates. Marriage is probably the most challenging thing I have done…to ensure you keep the zing and you stay in love, to ensure the children are growing and flourishing, to ensure you keep on the same page and so much more as everyday life happens. To stay committed is not always the easy path and yet it is such a testament to two people and their choice of a life together.

    When my husband was dying and we were talking about our life together, he said how sorry he was that he was unfaithful. That is the only time I told him he broke my heart. I miss him terribly and yet there are somethings you put bandages on and they heal, yet they don’t go away.

    Thank you for your perspective and for sharing your thoughts on Hilary and yes, Trump.

  17. We are all here to be responsible for our own actions, not the actions of others even if they are a husband or wife. It is just being used as a negative weapon against her but she knows better.We are not here to judge others especially about their areas of pain.

  18. I am the survivor of not one, but two philandering husbands. I thank you for saying these things, because…well…exactly!

    For Hillary Clinton, when she was First Lady, to choose to not drag her family’s personal issues into our living rooms–while the Republican Party was very busy doing so–was a choice of great strength and poise, a choice to protect her daughter, and probably herself, emotionally, and a choice to hold her family, and her country, and her husband’s position as President of the United States as her top priorities at the time.

    For Trump to try to drag her through the mud now, all these years later, for what her husband did (and of course, for the one time she said something negative about the women who ALSO made that choice, while she and her husband were IN the White House), is just beyond the pale.

    1. This is so well said. The entire article can apply to both men and women. I was the receiver of the philandering of a wife lied her way through the last 10 years of a 25 year marriage. I agree with Fiora that Hillary has emerged from the past to become one of the strongest females in the world. Who else would put themselves through what she has and still demonstrate the strength to take on Donald Trump when he demeaned more that 10 republican candidates before he became the nominee.

  19. I saw this link on FB and want to respond. I see your argument as sophistry. You have taken the facts and turned them to what you want them to be in order to make your point.
    1) Bill has kind of admitted one lengthy affair with one woman (Gennifer Flowers) but had sexual trysts, one night stands and sometimes violent, forced sex with a large group of women according to those who know – so to write as if he “had an affair” is inaccurate
    2) Bill did this while being in positions of tremendous power; Governor and President of the US
    3) Many may look at Hillary and wonder why she has stuck with this guy, that’s her business … but MOST people look at her and feel anger that she is part of the cover-up and, indeed, the effort to silence, intimidate and/or destroy the reputations of women who were assaulted by her husband.
    You actually mention the voices that: “silence, abuse, denigrate, assault, and burden women … [in] history.” Yes, and Hillary is doing those very things while claiming to be on the side of women, even those who have been sexually assaulted. THAT, Derrick, is hypocrisy.
    Hillary is one of the politicos who is happy to throw around words and name-calling … but her adoring sycophants have failed to remind her that women can be misogynistic too, and Hillary is.
    (PS Please understand that this is NOT a defense or endorsement of Trump … ugh. But I think it’s silly to act or speak as if Hillary is above the hypocrisy and bad behavior. Thus, we are indeed stuck between two “evils.”)

    1. Not only did the intent of this article go right over your head……Boom! But your attempt at “reasoning” is total crap. There is NO proof of any of what you say, about “violent, forced sex”. You actually contradict yourself within the first sentence – testimony that you don’t have a clue what you are talking about.

      { Broaddrick was married to Gary Hickey, having an affair with David Broaddrick while married to Hickey and at the same time having sex with Bill Clinton. She spent 21 years claiming that she was not assaulted by Clinton and then switched her story. }

      { Paula Jones – waited for 4 years to bring charges. And then all she wanted was monetary compensation. Not for Bill to go to jail. Just money. }

      { Kathleen Willey: The Final Report of the U.S. Office of the Independent Counsel report noted that “Willey and President Clinton are the only direct witnesses to their meeting, and their accounts differ substantially on the crucial facts of what occurred.”

      It also stated “Willey gave false information to the FBI about her sexual relationship with a former boyfriend, and acknowledged having lied about it when the agents confronted her with contradictory evidence.

      Willey has a history of controversial claims including telling her boyfriend she was pregnant and she had a miscarriage when she did not.

      On the evening of March 19, 1998, Julie Hiatt Steele, a friend of Willey, released an affidavit, accusing the former White House aide of asking her to lie to corroborate Ms. Willey’s account of being sexually groped by President Clinton in the Oval Office.

      An attempt by Kenneth Starr to prosecute Steele for making false statements and obstructing justice ended in a mistrial and Starr declined to seek a retrial after Steele sought an investigation against the former Independent Counsel for prosecutorial misconduct.” }

      { Elizabeth Ward Gracen: A Miss Arkansas who would go on to win the Miss America contest in 1982, Gracen alleges that she was forced by Clinton to have sex with him shortly after she won the Miss Arkansas competition. }

      “In 1998 Ward, who is now married with the last name of Gracen (from her first marriage), told an interviewer she did have sex with Clinton but said it was consensual. In 1998, in response to what she called false media claims that Clinton had raped her, Elizabeth Ward Gracen (former Miss Arkansas and Miss America) recanted a six-year-old denial and stated she had a one-night stand with Clinton in 1982. Gracen later apologized to Hillary Clinton.” }

      { Cristy Zercher: Zercher was a flight attendant aboard Clinton’s campaign jet from 1991-1992. Zercher told the Star magazine that Clinton groped her for over 40 minutes.

      “Christy Zercher alleges that a drunken Bill Clinton groped her and bombarded her with intimate questions during her time as a flight attendant in 1991. According to Zercher’s claim, Hillary Clinton was asleep just a few feet away from where the incident occurred.

      Let’s see – attendant from 91-92. She alleges he groped her in 1991. He supposedly did so for 40 minutes??? With Hillary sleeping a few feet away???? And she didn’t call out? She let it go on for 40 minutes??? And she kept working that job? Does that mean she was hoping for more? }

      And this is the way it is with all these bimbos.

      1. Thank you for your long reply … apparently my point went over your head, since you didn’t address it.
        My point was not who or what the women claimed or when they claimed it, I’ve read all that too but, unlike you, I’ve read both sides.
        1) Clinton admits to having had one single affair with Gennifer Flowers AFTER the tapes proving the affair were released. He denies any sexual contact with ALL of these women, who Hillary later disparaged.
        2) These assaults and rapes all happened to somewhat uneducated, not very sophisticated, working women during a time that Bill held great power. They were vulnerable and he is predatory.
        3) You deride Paula Jones for “wanting money” … why did the Clintons pay her over $800,000?? Just because “that’s what she wanted?”
        Your effort to defend Hillary and Bill is not well thought out. In all your copying and pasting you didn’t even address my point, which was a reply to Derrick’s false point that Bill “had an affair.” It’s just not that simple.
        My point is that Hillary is complicit in her success in making these women look exactly the way you now see them, as “Bimbos” (nice, Elizabeth) and liars.
        Can they ALL have made these stories up … and why? It certainly has not harmed Bill Clinton (thanks in part to Hillary) but it has ruined and damaged the lives and reputations of the women who made the claims. You listed six of them above and with derision so, for you, Hillary’s nastiness proved effective.
        I linked Derrick to the NYTimes above … you might also want to read what even supporters and defenders of the Clintons know to be true. Bill has a sexual problem and Hillary lies and covers for him in her determination for personal power.
        You can also read Maureen Dowd and Camille Paglia who are liberal feminists yet condemn Hillary for her known role in covering up her husband’s offenses and damaging the lives and reputations of the women who dared to come forward. There are many sources both liberal and conservative who see Bill and Hillary for what they are. You can research and learn if you’re willing to be open-minded.

      2. But she may not be covering and lying to gain power. Let’s remember she is human. As are we. She can be hurt. She was hurt and betrayed. She might not have the enviable character qualities we desire in those in power. She has feelings. She might not know how to properly identify or work through them, like any other person who was traumatized. She may be responding the way she is/did because she’s hurt and trying to avoid being humiliated any further. It may not be the way it should be done or how any of us would do it but we aren’t her. We don’t know her motives. We shouldn’t speak as if we do regardless of who she is, who she might become, or who her husband is or where they are headed in the future. I can’t imagine living out that nightmare in front of the entire country/world as she has had to. It’s hard enough isolated at home.

  20. I have no problem with the way Hillary handled the personal side of Bill’s affairs. It is 100% their business and their marriage. If they can make it through those very challenging actions good for them. But I think you completely missed the reason people have a problem with the affair as far as Hillary is concerned. It was the lying, blaming the vast right wing conspiracy, and completely shaming all the women who were victimized by Bill. That is the pattern and problem with both Bill and Hillary.

  21. Well written. I personally do not blame Hillary for what her husband did, no woman can be in control of or at fault for what a man does. But my issue with her is, and I believe many more feel this way, she not only defended Bill, she blamed the woman for what happened. She belittled them and made them out to being the one’s at fault. I was sexually adults, the assault did not affect and hurt me as bad as those that tried to cover it up, hide it, and especially blamed me for it happening. I dislike that Hillary, the media and people supporting her think it’s ok to bash Trump for things he said, for the fact he had been married several times but not look at what she did to the women after they were adults and raped….these were not affairs. These were girls that gave in because of a higher authority individual making advances. You can say all you want that Hillary did not assault these woman…go back and read the old news articles, watch the old interviews. If you know someone that work for the Clintons during this time period you will know that people were threatened to be quite and these females were made out to be the villains…that’s what makes me mad. Forget all the sexual stuff about both…how can one just brush aside the Many things Hilary and the Clintons did that are criminal? I don’t like either one of them, I don’t want a clown that says stupid stuff and doesn’t think about what he says, but I really don’t want a carrier criminal, someone with her record and the criminal things she did,to be president either.

  22. I will respond to this, without any political reference but rather, as a woman who was betrayed several times. I remember the cheating scandal with Hillary and Bill. I was ignorant as to my own situation at that time. I questioned how she could stay with him but I did not have the right to judge or question her unless and until I was there and I was her.
    There are several women/men who are on WordPress, who have chosen to stay with their cheating spouse. I fear for them and applaud them but I cannot identify with them. For me, his betrayal was fatal.
    Anyone who attacks or questions anothers’ decision just because they think it is/was wrong, should take a minute and stand in their shoes. We don’t know what goes on in their marriage. We can only assume and make judgments.
    I found your comment about wishing your “ex had stuck it out but you knew how toxic it would have been” to be a trigger. That’s the line my ex used on me. “I think my love is toxic to anybody who has it.”
    His love was only toxic to the people who deserved it…me and our children. It didn’t seem to be very toxic to his tramps.
    Your openness and honesty is pretty remarkable and I admire it.

  23. I don’t think that what you says is at all to the point of what upsets people. Conservatives, in particular the evangelical right, knows a lot about forgiveness (they are, after all, willing to forgive Trump since he has apologized and owned that he is ashamed of his comments). Where is Mrs. Clinton’s Methodist upbringing when it comes to forgiving the women with whom her husband had affairs? “Vengeance is Mines, says the Lord,” but HRC chose instead to viciously attack and destroy those women, especially since their claim is that it was not consensual (which makes it criminal acts, not affairs). Is that what she calls supporting women?

  24. I don’t think that what you say is at all to the point of what upsets people. Conservatives, in particular the evangelical right, knows a lot about forgiveness (they are, after all, willing to forgive Trump since he has apologized and owned that he is ashamed of his comments). Where is Mrs. Clinton’s Methodist upbringing when it comes to forgiving the women with whom her husband had affairs? “Vengeance is Mines, says the Lord,” but HRC chose instead to viciously attack and destroy those women, especially since their claim is that it was not consensual (which makes it criminal acts, not affairs). Is that what she calls supporting women?

  25. When your partner has an affair they fall out of the relationship. The partner who is faithful does not and sometimes even after they learn of the relationship the faithful still do not fall out of love. What happens after the affair is what leads us to the feelings we have for each other. The unfaithful usually does not understand this, but the faithful were never in the same emotional space or relationship that the unfaithful was/were or is in. The faithful has many roads to choose when they have been cheated on. No one road is right for everyone.

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