My Sins

My thirst for revenge

My discontent

My inconsistency

My reliance on intellect

My ability to rationalize my mistakes instead of taking responsibility

My fragile ego

My tendency to move towards safe friendships

My depression

My desire to use power over people

My despair


My self loathing

My inability to speak my needs

My emotional coldness

My imperial sympathies

My acquiescence to power

My unfair burdening of my children

My inability to mourn

My unwillingness to let the story unfold

My paranoia

My feelings of inadequacy

My divisive thoughts and rhetoric

My allowing the demons in my head to get the best of me

My irrational fears

My short memory

My grief

My theological fluidity

My lack of compassion

All of these things that I have brought to the surface during my lenten journey are a part of me. Today is Good Friday, a remembrance of death. Not just death, but torture, state-sanctioned execution, imperial demonstrations of dominance, and execution. I grew up with a theology that says that Jesus dies for my sins. I look at this list and I say that Jesus did not die for my sin. Jesus died because of the sins I have listed and many more that I have not. Jesus died because those things did not want to be exposed to the light and I and those like me would do anything to keep them from being exposed. My shadow side and the shadow sides of Jesus’ contemporaries sent Jesus to the cross because we don’t like to be called out on the ways that we miss the mark and we’d rather silence those who expose us than deal with our shit.

The one thing that sticks out for me from this list is how incomplete it is. As much time as I have spent this lenten season reflecting on my humanity, I got nowhere close to exhausting it. I am damaged. I am broken. I am frail. I am fallen. I am needy. I am in need of redemption. I am in need of salvation. I am in need of a new story. I am in need of reframing…

2 thoughts on “My Sins

  1. Wow. This is wrenchingly beautiful. That Christological shift has me reeling. The idea that Christ died for the sins we won’t acknowledge is…I can’t find the word. It’s paradigm-shattering.

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